Charlotte Saga

Whenever we chat at bedtime, I never really listen. Because I’m so aware of time (and desperately want to have little bit of wind down time over a tea or a glass of wine) I tend to vomit my daily frustrations on what she has done wrong or missed doing, thinking she will be registering it. She tells me she wants me to stay for a bit, to cuddle or to chat, but when she starts chatting… The stories she tells herself about her own self… The stories she tells herself about her school environment, about her “friends”... It feels very unnatural to me to remain quiet and unreactive.

Charlotte is 14. She's going through what is probably the worst stage of a human being's life. The teenage period is the (first, if we're unlucky) biggest existential crisis of our lives. More now, in this tech age, under an intermittent pandemic, in a world that as it provides a range of endless choices is also turning human values more volatile the more it is exposed to these choices.

There are very few support options though, for teenagers. There seems to be a tsunami of social anxiety issues at the moment. I cannot, for the life of me, pinpoint the cause. I can only guess it's a combination of all the above factors.

A few years back I went on this Parenting course in anticipation of what was coming

and because I wanted to update my views. It was called the Teen Triple P. My first questions were: "What the hell is positive parenting? Is there such a thing as negative parenting? Are we not all trying our best?"

Apparently, there is a more positive approach to parenting. It's ultimately supposed to facilitate and improve our relationship with our children. Yes, punishment is part of it, but the work book guides us on effective punishment: reasoning, timing and reactions.

It also advises parents to look after themselves. When parents are not happy and resolved, their children pick up on that and return. Because as they grow they engage more in conversation with us, we tend to then start seeing them as equals, and end up responding as if we were talking to someone our age. We try everyday but we tend to set our expectations high.

We forget they are still children, that they are still learning, so we need to be clear in our intentions. They will always need us. I know they learn by our actions. But it’s so damn hard at these ages to draw the line between being a parent and being a friend. We want them to trust us, to open up to us but we need to be open to them as well. I came to realise that I repeat that a lot and often it’s me who’s not available. Too busy working, then cooking, then looking after the house. Then it’s too late because it’s bed time, but that is, realistically, the only time of the day when we get to talk for ten minutes (yeah, I set a timer).

I have been trying to make her see things differently, I’ve made suggestions on meditation techniques, sent articles for her to read about sleep problems. Is she not “listening” or am I? I think I must start including them in my odd Sunday...