Parenting Contract

Following all that is going on with Charlotte, we were called out by her school - due to her low attendance - to set up a contract. Her anxiety is still around and it’s quite prominent. She reiterated at the meeting we had with the school that she’s not being bullied and that she’s happy to manage her social relationships without problems. However, I know, from the therapy sessions that she is suffering from dull, subtle bullying. But the word “bullying” is such a taboo word nowadays, and schools make an effort to ignore it because it causes quite a stigma around the school and this can obviously affect their local authorities' educational audit’s quality score.

This is a problem and I am sure this is not just a problem at Charlotte’s school. This is a wider problem. Schools are not culturally equipped to deal with bullying. We often watch these advertisements about how aware society is of bullying but I don’t think society is tackling well the transition between physical and cyberbullying. Cyberbullying can be so subtle, and we parents and the educational system have to admit that the younger generation is better aware of the current technologies than we. They know how to get away with things in such a way that we will easily (dis)miss it.

Unmonitored technology time because it’s nothing else but cybersitting. That’s right, it’s the easy way the parents find to get time to do their own things, without having to pay for childcare. It may hurt to read it but it’s the truth. However, this has consequences, to which we are currently assisting. We cannot just negligently blame all the mental health issues to the recent lockdowns. Yes, they have not helped, but they're not the only culprit.

Our youngsters can still get SIM phone cards (they cost £1) and pretend to be someone else to bully freely. They can ironically use discriminatory arguments to discriminate their peers. They can be as cruel (or more) as adults in more sneaky ways than I can list for their own benefit.

But the way our teenagers behave is nothing but a product of our actions. Teenagers are still children, little people with no life experience, learning from our actions (AND inactions). We are teaching them what's important for us. At the moment, unfortunately, we are ignoring them to our benefit. We're teaching them to be selfish, to fend for themselves, to ignore simple human values, to be ruthless.

But she's still going to school, even though she hates everyone around her, because she feels her values don't line up, and she feels tired of so much judgement, materialism and lack of reciprocity. Charlotte is more mature than anyone her age. She has no deceptions on what she expects from people anymore. I have educated her so well (or so badly) that sometimes she sounds like a bitter old lady when she speaks!

And her feelings are unfortunately legitimate. She's a caring, empathetic, loyal, loving young girl. And she expects the same from her friendships. This is why she's finding it so hard to make new friends and blend in. She's struggling to find anyone that's even remotely like her.

How could school support? Our academic system is designed in such a way that pupils are only numbers and statistics. The individuality value seems to have expired. Students' feelings are no longer assessed on a case by case, but on a "can we use this case to promote our institution?" basis.

So the main responsibility still falls on the parents. Under this "Parenting Contract", we have committed to ensure Charlotte attends school regularly. Her attendance the previous 6 weeks only had been 46%, when the minimum expected attendance is 95%. This is not an easy task, if she is struggling with panic attacks and physical sickness due to her anxiety in the morning.

All these whistleblowing policies and mental healt support awareness and whatnot, but realistically, the education system can’t be asked. The General Practitioner said we need to be referred by the school. The School said we need to be referred by the GP. A continuous pushing game that took us over a year of school absences for Charlotte’s problem to be addressed. Why doesn’t school approach the child as soon as she’s back, to check in, to catch up and fin out if there is any support they can offer? Sometimes, it can be easier for the child to open up with someone that is not a family member or a close friend. They may not have a friend! “Oh, look out for support”, “We are here for you” in reality means “your parents better force you to go to school, otherwise something really bad will happen to them”.

Is forcing her to go to school, under these conditions, not a form of bullying in itself? Instead of tackling the problem, we are teaching our children that there is not support available (contradicting ourselves).